You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
