My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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