so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
