What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
