Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
