Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
