New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
