I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
