the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
there is glitter all over my balls
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
