i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
