just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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