Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
