Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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