Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I have post one night stand depression
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
