I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
