Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
