I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
