Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
