I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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