your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
