I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
