You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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