Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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