I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
