now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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