I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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