I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
