i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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