I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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