You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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