there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
