This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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