i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
