Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize