he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
