Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
