so that wasnt chicken after all
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
