he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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