im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
