Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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