My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
