bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
