i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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