how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
