dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Less talking, more tequila
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
