every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
