I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
