puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
