Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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