i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
