FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
