Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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