I just threw up on my dentist
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
