I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
