My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You were trust falling into bushes
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
